Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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