He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
