You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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