Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
