I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
