someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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