I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
