I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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