whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
