Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
