I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
