I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
