I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
