my phone needs a breathalizer
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
