I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
