guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
