so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I think i peed on brittanys purse
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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