btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
