She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
