You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
