I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
