i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
