i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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