Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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