my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
