life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
