Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
