I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
