Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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