I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
