Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
