Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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