I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
