Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
No subtext here. People are naked.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
