I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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