i wish there were pregnant emoticons
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I AM VODKA MAN
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So vagazzling was a success
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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