This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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