she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
