Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
