his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
