every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
