I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
