Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
