I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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