the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
