I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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