We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
you never un-have a 4some
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
