if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
