if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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