my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
