I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
